It is now around nine thirty and I am beginning even with all of my valiant efforts to feel that insidious feeling that my old enemy is upon me once again.I am so tired of hating the night,the days,the life that I no longer recognize as mine.I feel that feeling in my legs that I know with the hot feelings of flickering deepening pain with turn into a full blown thrashing of my legs everywhere,my skin is already on fire,not just my skin but everywhere from the inside of my ears to between my toes to parts I will not mention..
I have limited my fluid intake so that I will not have to get up every hour the way it has been,I take forever to get off the couch and agonize while I curse all that are not in my mind at that moment.The weakness and pain are insurmountable and claw at my body as a gone crazy kudzu vine that is threatening to take me away and end my problems once and for all..I can feel it in every fiber of my being the never ending pattern of the march of my nighttime misery and I really want to cry but to what avail?
There is no one to hear me,nor wishes too,my poor husband needs his rest and I resent him for the ability to fall asleep at will while I cannot even get to the kitchen to get a snack.I listen to the sounds of the building and to others who may be outside on the patio downstairs fighting their own occasional insomnia.Not me,this has been with me now for over eight weeks and now I can not even get the catch up time during the day.Why?,what is new that is fighting in my body,is it just the APS,or is something else going on that I will have to deal with?
I am too tired to have to deal with the emotional as well as physical form of my own personal water boarding,that no matter who I call on in the great,vast unknown of the hereafter,no one will hear me.I, when things are really god-awful see Regina,but she puts her finger on her lips and shakes her head that it is not time. She knew pain,esp after her accident where she went under a 28 wheeler.Months of pain and the rebuilding of her body. I need you to take me now Gina there is nothing left for me to do.Daddy will be fine as soon as we make one more move,down to Md to be near to John and his family..Having seen Sara graduate, and do so with so many honors and to know she only has three years of college,makes me so proud of the fact I had a hand in seeing the lovely young woman she is.However I digress and sleep will yet elude me.
Having a mother who killed herself I always swore I would not take that way out,but between the pain and no sleep in order to regroup[ I would do whatever it takes.You tend to go a little mad,pain can wash all of your good intentions,and rational thoughts aside for that glimmering and shiny gold ring of painless,restorative sleep. Do I have anything worth while to trade? No,,nothing at this point of life.Just the knowledge that it is getting darker and later and hell while I have intense pain now is awaiting me with the never ending tendrils of flames coming closer to wrap around the person that once was me.How much longer will I be me?Shall we start a pool?
If this is part of APS or something else I do not have the will or strength to fight it anymore.I see the flames and a part of me is drawn to them,like a moth to a flame.We know what happens to the moth…..