Other than my hunched back, for the most part I really do not look as sick as I am.When you spend Christmas away from all you have brought into the world and those whom you love because of a disease they choose not to believe you have because to the naked eye you look better than someone whose organs are failing.Does that excuse their total disregard of a father who has Parkinson Disease too.
Or perhaps it is because the very foundati0n on which this family was built is on shifting sands and I am being polite when I say that.
Our is a blended family,yet today probably not that different from so many others today. I was married before and had two children,and shame on me had been an unwed mother of a son who only lived a few days. I probably married my first husband to get back at my father and the tragedy and turmoil he had created in all that were around him.The thing was I knew I was marrying the wrong man and did it anyway.
I also had been aware of probably since puberty that things were not quite normal in my physical self as well as my mental self,which was a polite way of saying I needed help but there was no help except to take that long walk down the aisle with the help of a couple of little blue helpers. Valium,as they were in those days,today too many to even contemplate.A swift shot of Windsors did not hurt either,I walked down the aisle to something I know not what,listened to the priest do what he was supposed to do and walked back down that same aisle a married woman.The mass being in Latin I had not a clue as to what I had agreed to.After all,if it did not work out divorce was always an option,or death,by that time my father had just dispensed with number 5. How bad could it get?
After a sumptious reception at the Boca Raton Beach Club,of which I have very little memory,other than a waiter coming in the private dining Room and calling for Mrs Moritz,too which meant nothing to me,my then mother in law went to answer the telephone,only to return to the room to say it was for me,but to remember she was the First Mrs Moritz,(she was not,but that in itself) is a story.I anwered the phone as the most recent Mrs Moritz,and it was my half brother Jerry Wise son of the famous Brownie Wise of Tupperware fame.Who has not had some Tupperware in their life?Wife Number 2! She had helped me with some details of the wedding as she and my father were seeing each other again. That lasted long enough for her to get a new supply of whatever pain meds held my brother to her side with some manufactured illness at this and varied times through their own twisted version of family drama.
Back to the bride for a moment,I had packed for a week in Ocho Rios Jamaica and John I think had packed for Philly where we were at some point to reside.His sister and a friend drove us to Miami International Airport,and we were in the lounge drinking and they called our plane and away we went.A week of sun,getting to really know one another in every sense of the way and romance of course,Problem was I did not love him,he married me to get away from a mother fetish,and some other isues.We landed in Montego Bay and made our way to the Royal Plantation Inn in Ocho Rios.We made our way to out honeymoon suite,where we found the phone was ringing,John answered it and to my dismay it was my father drunk as a skunk to begin a practice he would continue for years until his death,askng Johnwhat he was doing to “His little girl” To which was replied”,I would be Fucking her if you would get off the damn phone!” Now that is not what took place,he couldn`t,I wouldn`t,and the couple next door from Hoboken NJ were having an extremely traumatic evening.So to compensate for his lack of masculinity he proved he was a MAN by beating the crap out of me where it would not show.
Remember folks,the sexual revolution was just a light in some laboratory.. and woman were still a commodity,when you get right down to it has much changed? For the rest of the week I had a great time,enjoyed myself saw beautiful people,John had a marvelous relationship with the bartenders and I think the maid,and I made the decision to go off the pill as I was having horrible headaches,and pain. Beginning of a journey I am hoping to end fifty some odd years later.Of course I did not know then this all did not happen I was never married before,I did have a child but not two by this man who left during the pregnancy and for forty some odd years my so called life has been a prevarication to suit someone else.
Am I angry? God,you have no idea,bad enough to know you have a disease that I inherited from my mother more than likely gave to my daughter(not that she did not have other issues) but have very likely passed it down to grandchildren of child who was not born of that union but of present one.NOT!
Shucks folks,I told that granddaughter I would never lie to her when she asked me a question just as I said to granddaughter I raised from mother of first union.If nothing had been learned through years of abuse and suffering lies were wrong and truth would be my new venue.Well for the most part.I can say however I have never lied when asked a direct question by either of them especially granddaughter who at this moment is in skies over the Atlantic on her way to Spain.
HUGE MISTAKE!!!! Because of my illness,and the connection to half-whole or whatever b
rother he has I was supposed to ignore the first marriage,his sister was supposedly his half sister,how convenient that she died 11 years ago. My wonderful husband was to be his father and he has been for all things and son from assumed first union took last name of his stepfather while her mother was pregnant with granddaughter. I sure hope you can follow this because with APS you tend to forget and lose time and moments.
I was in doghouse because after being diagnosed with antiphospholipid syndrome or APSFA.org more than eight years ago and then epilepsy and SLE Lupus and Snoddens syndrome amongst others I had the temerity to suggest testing for said grandchild that was having seizures and his newborn son also had been born with a seizure disorder. Note to self…..NEVER tell the truth and if you are sick with a serious disease LOOK IT<even breast cancer does not show.
Answer to SELF>>> LIE!LIE! LIE! My whole family is built on a stack of lies and I am blamed for the stack collapsing even when I knew nothing of the story in which I had a starring role,and in which there once was a family there is nothing but scattered cards and guess what? I AM SICK! HOWEVER I DO NOT LOOK SICK! So if I do not look sick everything nust be fine in my now house of lies that are nothing more than stories made up by a writer who has changed not just his life story but in doing so turned everything upside down and destroyed so many lives with not just lies but a fairy tale life that discounts everything a family stood for whether is was good bad or indifferent! Once again I play the heavy in a story in which my sickness does not exist but I am but a bit player.
I have always wanted to be the star at least in my own drama,if not that why be anything at all.Let those who speak with their warped versions of their make believe veracity fall on their own swords.
I am fine,remember,I Don`t Look Sick,Therefore All Is Right in My World!
bartogirl 